Discuss amongst yourselves....
I provide you, my in-the-computer friends, a chance to dispense a good solid kick in the butt, and some insight into my id: how do you respond to the following?
I am notoriously awful about keeping in touch with people. I don't just mean random acquaintances - we're talking about people I love, those who's company I enjoy, people who add a great deal to my life. You few who read this blog and know me well are guffawing at the understatement that is "notoriously awful about keeping in touch". I suck at it. And this is from someone who is described as a good communicator and majored in said activity, even receiving an advanced degree in the discipline. To wit: I never send birthday/holiday/congratulations cards; I don't write letters; I don't return calls with any consistency; I don't return emails, like, ever. (I do read blogs, which probably does not count.) Best friend of 25 years? Still can't tell you her birthdate. See? Suckage.
While I have struggled with this all my life, I still have not reconciled my desire to improve with different actions. And I'm not offering any excuses why I'm so rude and thoughtless. What I'm struggling with now is how to go about improving on past behaviors: I last spoke to a friend a few months ago. She understands to a certain extent that I'm "busy", and to a lesser extent about the aforementioned suckage. I'm assuming that she's hasn't contacted me because A)she's given up on me, or B) is waiting for me to contact her, while half hoping that I won't because her patience with my inconsistent communication is exhausted.
I feel like if I get in touch with her that it would require a certain amount of me apologizing/promising to do better. And something in the most immature part of my personality resents that. I know. I know. I should do better, I KNOW ALREADY but that doesn't make it easier for the irresponsible two-year old in me to face the fact that I might have to just DEAL with the fact that I've consistently DISAPPOINTED SOMEONE. I always expect the same amount of insane tolerance I exhibit towards others and that's not at all realistic. You could not call me for years and I'd pick up the phone like no time had passed. But I'm NOT NORMAL. Normal people make a regularly scheduled effort, right?
So. There's one of the warts. Do you know anyone like me? How do you deal with that person? What would "improvement" look like to you?
posted by White Trasherati @ 12:37 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Hi,
I use to be like that! I felt like such a heel about it too, especially when I would find out yet another birthday or annaversery of someone I cared about had passed and I hadn't even sent them a card.
So I found out I could buy a box of assorted cards with everything from birhtday's to annaverseries cards, and it even had blanks
cards in it too.
Then I got organized and called everyone I knew, and wrote down birthday and etc.
Then I lost the list!
And I keep forgetting the dates too!
But some how I do manage from time to time to send someone a card for some special event.
So just keep trying! The ones who love you best will forgive, and love you even more for trying.
Janice~
Fact: Observing all of the etiquette rituals does not a better person make.
Fact: I believe this because I am equally deficient in similar ways.
Fact: I have to assume that my friends know I love them and understand that my complete imability to send cards of any kind and return most phone calls is a major character flaw but never, ever a commentary on how much I love them.
Fact: You are, without a doubt, one of the best friends a person could have. You should resent being made to feel like you have to kowtow to maintain a relationship. That, my friend, is bullshit.
(Fact: This "Fact:" outline I am using is really obnoxious.)
This is, I think, indicative of where you are lifewise (I refuse to use the phrase "when I was your age..." because it's more like "when I had kids the age of your kids..."). Whether you are physically doing something with them or not, they are little energy sponges, even when standing still. You're just always thinking about the logistics of everything.
Then to add another someone's "need," really does seem to confuse things.
I would personally rather not get a generic birthday card at the appropriate time. Therefore I'm better at sending stuff I think the other person would get a kick out of whenever.
Besides, you take people as they are, ya know? Some people get into that stuff (usually people hopped up on three cases of Dr. Pepper a week...) and there are people who don't.
It's no big deal...
...unless you are Dirtman, in which case, forget my birthday and die.
I am you! Or possibly you are me. We can duke that out later.
My current theory about why I/we do this is not pretty. I was raised to be one of your classic "people pleasers" by my mom, who is also a people pleaser. So I mediate arguments, and rarely cause trouble, and am always polite to even the most boorish of people, etcetera. So I think that my rudeness in this one area of my life is a way of expressing (or venting) resentment at the pressure I feel to conform to social obligations. The reason why I do this to loved ones is because deep down I know that they're safe targets and are still required to love and accept me despite my failings.
Did any of that make sense? I've never tried to articulate it to anyone else, but there you have it.
Doppleganger: I've heard about you people-pleaser types. That must be exhausting.
Seriously, I think what you say makes perfect sense.
Thanks everybody, for the feedback.
I feel the need to clarify, though, that this friend is NOT giving me grief - she's simply stopped calling. So I'm wondering if I should respect that or initiate a conversation.
But thanks for letting me air that flaw.
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